Right now I’m sitting in my usual chair, after reading 60 pages in my latest novel “Pillars of the Earth” (which I realize, as a book title should be underlined or italicized but I’m not quite sure how to do that because the button isn’t working…whatever) and I’m thinking about my life. As usual. “My life” seems to be a pretty common topic, this being my blog and all, but honestly, I’ve really started to ask myself some hard questions. Perhaps by writing them out I can begin to sort through the murky obscured cloud that is my future hanging before me. I don’t know. What I do know is that I don’t know what I really want or what I want to do. I’ll I’m sure of is that I’m unsure. I AM sure that I want to do it all with Kevin (which is great since we’re married!) but today we were talking about what we’re doing this summer and we came to the conclusion that well, um, ahh, yeaaa…we just don’t know. Here’s some things that I do want for my life. See, I’m not completely aimless.
1. I want to live in one of those homey-type houses one day that are full and busy, and look like they’re straight out of a Pottery Barn catalogue. I want hardwood floors, quilts made by mom (of which I already have 3, with promises of many more), a reading room with bookshelves brimming to capacity along the walls. I want a big kitchen table, for all my kids to gather round, and a big kitchen with more counterspace and cabinets than I know what to do with. I want comfy chairs and couches, a patio, a sunroom, a garden. A place to really call home.
2. I want to be a mother. I really want to know what it’s like to look into a tiny face and to see myself and Kevin there. What will that child look like? Blue eyes for sure, but what else? And then, to get to teach and cuddle and love this little creature…wow. It blows my mind to know that there are people who, in their deep love for their children give them away in hopes that someone else can give them a better life than they could. That’s incredible love right there. I’d be honored to be able to raise one of those children, and I’d do everything I could so that that mother’s sacrifice would not have been in vain. So that’s my next want, to be a mother to a little Chinese girl, who’s mother was probably pressured on all sides to give her up. Ahh, talking about Chinese kids tugs at my heart and I may start crying soon, so I’ll move on…
3. I want to live by the ocean because I feel some strange deep connection to it. It’s almost like in that show Invasion, how the people who had been made into aliens were mesmerized by water, enchanted, enthralled. In a lot of ways, that’s me (you know, except for the part about being an alien. But then aliens never really admit that they are aliens, so I guess you’ll never know.) Anyway, when I’m sitting on the beach, or standing on a pier, I feel so peaceful. The wind, the sand, the grass; it all eludes this hypnotic power over me and I feel as though I could stay there all day, maybe even all week, or month, or year, or lifetime, just completely wrapped up in that feeling of peace and power. I guess when it comes right down to it I love God more when I’m near the ocean because I can sit there and completely see him. That’s where I meet him. To live anywhere else is like cutting myself off from him. It would be a sin.
When I look at these simple requirements that I’ve made for my own life, it seems so strange. Of course one day I’ll live in a house. I’ll probably be a mother too, since I am determined to be. And the ocean, well, that too isn’t out of the question. How many people can honestly say that they are going to get everything they’ve dreamed for in this life? How lucky am I to be able to choose where I live, how many children I will have, and the type of house I have? Most people on this planet have to take what they can get. But I can choose. Why do I get that option, when billions have no choices, no opportunities, no hope for a better life?